High Carb Christianity

We did the Sunday School duck-out again. This time it was CP, MP, and Babba. This new church has been open a couple of months and is located in a renovated 80 year old feed store. Hence the name. What greeted us was a mountain of Panera's left over bagels, bread and pastries. We arrived starving, having been subsisting on weak Baptist Sunday School java. After about twenty minutes of carb-loading the service began and it was very laid back and informal. The message was really focused and relevant. We left with two bags full of bagels and bread. The coffee was hot, strong and there was plenty of it.

I'll skip all those pesky questions about doctrine. The important thing is that they had well lit fire exits with panic bars and emergency lighting.

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Of Garage Bands and Fire Exits

I needed a break from the Baptists so after Sunday School MP and I snuck away and raced back to town to try out a small independent church. We were about 15 minutes late so I was hoping to sneak in and sit in the back unnoticed. Fat chance. The church is one room, about forty feet wide and 75 feet long. There were about 25 people in it, so our stealthy entrance didn't go as planned. Two things struck me immediately; it was all women and the music was about 130 dB's. Up front were five women with electric guitars blasting out this rolling rumble that was reminiscent of Phil Spectre's "Wall of Sound". For one brief second I thought perhaps I walked into a lesbo church. It was the Goo Goo Doll's jamming with K.D. Lang and Melissa Estridge. A male usher greeted me and then I did notice a male drummer and and a few other men in the pews. The mega-bass was shaking the pews and I realized why the last three rows were filled with the faithful. After about 25 minutes of straight singing we had about a 10 minute meet and greet time. This was what I was hoping to avoid, but obviously this congregation didn't hold to the usual church schedule. The people were really nice, and I tried to be sociable and chat but my ears were still ringing. I kept thinking to myself "MP is going to kill me". I was repeating to myself "God brought you here".

God did bring me there because the preacher gave the greatest message from Galatians 5 that I ever heard. They invited us to stay for coffee and cake but we were off to our former church to crash a party for their new pastor. We mainly went just to see old friends we miss so much. It was the trifecta of worship; Baptists, Independents and Nazarenes. I doubt I could attend this independent church. I would need to get ear plugs. I also noticed that the church had no fire exit, and the front doors opened inwards. It must have been built before code. At least they had nice large windows. Maybe I'll sneak back there once in awhile. It was real.

Honda Element Monster Truck

CP's Honda Element now has almost 40K miles on it, and it needs a set of tires. It has an unpopular tire size so you can't expect to find 4 tires on the rack at your neighborhood tire store. Being a CB I ordered 4 Dunlop tires for $408 at Sam's Club. A week later Sam's calls and my tires are in, so I run down and have them put on. Well, when I left I checked to make sure that each wheel had four lug nuts and a wheel lock, then took off. Once I was home I noticed the tire tread looked pretty aggressive for an SUV that is basically a car. It seems that instead of the touring tires I ordered they put on Moose-Trax All Terrain tires. The vehicle seems to ride slightly higher and they are just a bit noisier. So it's back to Sam's in Hooterville. It took about an hour to get this straightened out! In this age of bar-codes and computers I had to follow the tire guy from tire center to the return counter, and together we waited till the clerk (after calling 3 managers) was able to put $471.70 cash in my hand which I carried back to the tire center and along with $17 more out of my wallet covered the cost of the correct tires. The funny thing is that the light truck tires I mistakenly got were better tires than the ones I wound up with for more money. Hopefully I'll get my tires in another week. In the meantime this CB feels like taking a quick 6,000 mile trip to L.A. on these borrowed tires. I can't see having these All-Terrain tires here in Asheville where we get an inch of snow a year.

Oh, I forgot: CP wants to move to Wisconsin.

Restaurant Avoidance

Along with the trailer scam I also developed a system for saving money on food while traveling. First I attack the free breakfast buffet and leave with a travel mug of coffee and some fruit. Then, it's onto the Interstate for a quick 200 mile start on the trip. Then about noon I start looking for a Denny's. If I'm lucky we will cover another 4 states and 400 miles till we finally see the billboard for Denny's in Asheville. Since we are only ten miles from home we may as well just go home and have CP make dinner. CB strikes again.

This last trip CP nagged the CB into stopping in Johnson City Tenn. Just 90 miles from Asheville. We ate at a Perkins and the pancakes where surprisingly good. Now, not as good as a Denny's Pterodactyl Egg Sandwich. No one can beat Denny's coffee either. Come to think of it the parking lot in Perkins was a little small for my car and trailer. Wait, I have tried to find where the Denny's are located before we travel. If you want to find where a Denny's is on the website you have to enter in a zip code. Who knows what the zip code for Pigs Knuckle Arkansas is? Before the inter-net Denny's had a little directory available at the cashiers counter listing all their locations. This is from a past era, a time when telephones where answered by people, not computers.

Next Babba the CB will discuss his efforts to reduce the family's carbon footprint.

Wife Shopping Avoidance Trailer

Now you may think this is a Honda Element towing a tiny micro machine trailer, but it's more than that. It is actually a shopping protector. We load up the canoe on it and take off to discover some new lake or river. Usually these exploits don't result in the boat actually getting wet. Either we can't find said lake, or it's too big, or it's too windy, or perhaps there are big boats on it. This Saturday after a beautiful scenic drive through the Smokies we found Lake Glenville. The lake was a little big but the wind had that calmness which only exists prior to a rainfall. I was surprised that there seemed to be no size limit on motorboats. There were some huge party barges and a lot of 24 foot ski boats. We managed to paddle well even with the occasional 2 foot wake from a power boat. The serenity of the afternoon was punctuated by one group of wake boarders that felt the need to share their music with the whole valley. We returned to the boat ramp amidst a flotilla of powerboats reminiscent of Dunkirk. The ramp was very unique in that it was slanted at a very flat angle (it looked about 10 degrees). There was this Toyota Sequoia launching a boat and it was almost underwater. The rear bumper was under water and the exhaust was bubbling out from the tail pipe. I didn't say anything but I wonder if the rear differential needed to be drained after this kind of launch. Being the middle aged white guy who knows everything I thought I would have spared the car and used a little more winch. It was always fun to go to Deep Creek Lake in Md. and watch the couples launch their boats. It gave one great insights into what makes a marriage work.

But I digress from my subject. The scenic drive through the little quaint touristy towns of Cashiers, Toxaway, and Sapphire is home to many little shops. There are antique shops, gift shops, art galleries, boutiques, craft shops and specialty food stores with cute inviting names such as "The Jelly Jar", "Granny's Pies" etc. That is when the shopping avoidance trailer comes into its own. I can't stop at these little shops because I have a trailer. Where would I park it? The money that this CB saves pays for the trailer and tags in no time! I have discovered my magic trailer works even when I have no intention of canoeing. I now hook it up even on rainy days when the urge to stop and impulse shop is strongest.

In my next post I will tell how to avoid those costly restaurants while traveling.

Babba