Is this Puerta Rican, or What?

I finally found what was making that rattle in BP's Oldsmobile. This ring, that is part of the rear shock absorber has corroded off the top of the shock and would jingle with the slightest bump. I had an idea that it had to be some kind of metal ring since it resembled the sound of a dog tag. Now that I found the problem I'm faced with what to do. I could replace both shocks but BP doesn't want to drop a one dime in this car since he's leaving for China. The shock still functions great anyway. I could bring it to Midas and have the guy cut it off with a torch. Then I would come off as a real CB.

I had to return to my roots and seek out my old friends duct tape, bailing wire, bungee cords and foam. I tried the bungee but I thought if I did get it stabilized there was a chance that the thing could shift and fray the sidewall. I went to my stack of packing foam from work and found these little tabs to shove in, and I think it will work: for awhile anyway. Who knows, maybe in a couple of years it will just rust off. I think I'm ready to work on the Space Shuttle.

Anger Management

Congratulations, MP! You now have Vicodin prescriptions in four states. Four states, three doctors, and two PAs. Careful now, you don't want to be accused of doctor shopping. Now I hear your cousin turned you on to Vicodin elixir, I hear it makes a terrific daiquiri.

Major snaps for Rochester General Hospital on their great cancer program. Thumbs down on their visitor parking policies. It cost less to park at the Charlotte airport than at the hospital. I need to get hospital parking included in my next major medical plan. What do they think, people are going to park there and walk to Disneyland? My hospital, Ghetto General, provides free valet parking and you're not allowed to tip.

Northwest Airlines seemed a cut above USAir. It seems that there a lot of children below age 5 traveling by air nowadays. Maybe it's the price of gasoline that is forcing this army of toddlers into the sky. I was going to tell the gate attendant I had a "disposable diaper allergy".

Thumbs down to the New York State Thruway Nazis for raising the tolls in the middle of a gasoline price debacle. I'm sure New Yorkers will just bend over and take it. Why don't they boycott the Thruway and jam up the local streets? How about people just turning their cars off in the the toll booths and throwing their keys away? They should pay the ridiculous tolls in pennies. Let's see just how much &%$# we can heap on the truckers before they just park their rigs and walk away. Our founders would have been ashamed of today's Americans.

If I hear one more PSA about Earth Day or Man-Made Climate Change, I'm going to start shooting. Every other commercial or news story is telling us to turn something off, wipe our butts with a leaf, or breathe into a paper bag to save the ozone layer. It has become the national religion. The whole American economy is suppose to shut down so some spear-chucker with a plate in his lip doesn't have to add fleece to his loin cloth.

There now, I feel much better!

Why do they even open their mouths?

One of the joys of going to work at 6 am is that I miss the morons calling into C-Span. Monday the subject was education; specifically the the federal role in education. The guest speaker was one Joshua Varon, from the Education Law Center. This mealy-mouthed metrosexual was fielding questions from the various C-Span callers about the state of education in this country. As usual all the answers required more money, smaller classes, pre-fetal education, twenty four hour after school programs and getting rid of "no child kiss-my-behind". There was only one caller, an M.D. who pointed to the cultural and moral breakdown of the society as the underlying issue.

They don't get it. The country is bankrupt. Gas will soon be $4.50/gal, there are food riots in California, between ethanol and some new wheat virus the world will soon be facing a famine of biblical proportions. The barbarians are at the gates and they are concerned with prescription drug benefits and Earth Day.

It seems like little Joshie Varon only taught school for three years. Then he went to law school and became an advocate with the "The Education Law Center". Boy that sounds like a fun bunch doesn't it. Anyway Joshie got as far away from the little bastards as soon as he could. Everyone I know in teaching is trying to bail out. Some are clinging to that twenty years and out pension like castaways on the "Raft of the Medusa". The reason teachers don't stay is because no matter how great the benefits, the retirement, the vacations, a person needs to feel there is a purpose in what they are doing. Joshie gave all the pat answers, offended no one and consumed an hour of air time. The callers save one, will continue to believe the federal government will cure the education crisis with a new program, the camel poops and the caravan moves on. If it takes a village to educate a child, how did we end up with so many village idiots? Each caller points to their candidate as best suited to solve the crisis. It's broken beyond repair, especially by these three.

Your Government At Work

It seems like we have another big old mess down in Texas. An army of 400 lawyers have descended on the small town like a herd of carpetbaggers. CPS versus the cult; it's a hard call. Since there a paucity of facts known Babba will speak about fashion.

The plural wives are all wearing light cotton pastels in the Palm Beach tradition. This loose fit airy design provides a practical design that is perfect for every hot dry Texas afternoon. The white tube socks work perfectly with the brown leather oxfords and are are welcome change from the usual Nike running shoe. The outfit is also helped out by the handkerchief, bottle of Aqua-Fina and a Casio G-shock wristwatch.The cult coiffure has a few variations. On the left you see the Roy Orbison 1950's "Oh Pretty Woman" style. In the middle you will notice the NASCAR spoiler. This aerodynamic design provides stability during Texas tornadoes. On the right this dear saint is sporting the Cin-a-bon. There is so much glaze on that head it exceeds NHTSA crash standards.
Just think; they do it all for him!

Gene Wilder, Obama's new speech writer

"What did you expect? "Welcome sonny," "Make yourself at home," "Marry my daughter." You've got to remember, that these are just simple farmers, these are people of the land, the common clay of the new west. You know . . . morons."

"Oh, baby. You are so talented. And, they are so dumb."

One of my favorite scenes from "Blazing Saddles".

Okie From Muskogee

Greetings from small town America. I'm just your typical bitter unemployed white guy. I'm sitting here in my mobile home listening to the rain falling on my tin roof, my coondog Bo is sleeping in front of the kerosene heater. I'm cleaning my gun while I read my Bible. If the rain stops I'll go down to the Home-Depot and harass some illegal aliens.

This is one rednecked cracker who won't be fooled: Obama's a bigot and a poser!

I Bad

Yesterday Bo was in big trouble. First he took a poop in the living room. He did it on the carpet runner which was a good thing. However since we now go around in the dark thanks to Al Gore I didn't see it and kicked a turd onto the carpet. I wasn't sure what it was so I stepped on it, and spread it around the living room.

Earlier when I came home from work Bo came in the bedroom and jumped up on our bed where CP had folded about three loads of laundry. He was up there about ten seconds while I put on my shoes and then he jumped down and left the room with me. About six hours later I'm clearing off the laundry getting ready for bed. I notice some things are wet and I figured they needed more time in the dryer. Then I smell that lovely aroma of Bo pee. Ben comes out of his room holding a pair of rolled up white tube socks which are now yellow. I thought the damage was limited to about six items.

About midnight I get up from my recliner in the office and find CP sleeping on the couch. It seems Bo must have really had to go, because he got the spread, the comforter, the sheets, the mattress pad, and the mattress. He always goes on CP's side of the bed. I think he wants her spot. I was amazed how sneaky he was. He was just standing there between the folded clothes relieving himself: like an old man at the park.

Where did he go?

Bo looks out the window at Ben's car and wonders; where did he go? Ben and Elizabeth went up to South Bend to see Marianne. They took Elizabeth's Camry and left Ben's Oldsmobile: smart move!