Christmas In What Feels Like July

 There's nothing like a Christmas parade when it's seventy degrees out to get you into the Christmas Spirit. The Feed & Seed house band took to the Buncombe Turnpike to play in the Fletcher Christmas Parade. In the past our float has been beset by many problems: flat trailer tire, stalled tractor and a substitute tow car that thought he was a NASCAR driver and got the float rolling along at forty mph. 

This year in an attempt to bring the hillbilly wall of sound to the crowd we had an amplifier on the the float. Sometimes you just have to amp it up, to be heard over the din of the Fletcher crowd. Since a portable generator doesn't exactly beat out three-quarter time our amp was powered by a 12 volt truck battery which almost lasted for the half mile of the parade route.

Babba's drum is instrument-non-grata in a blue grass band I stayed at the Feed & Seed and kept the hot coffee coming for our guests. An hour later traffic was busy buzzing down the old Buncombe Turnpike and Christmas officially started in Fletcher.

Election 2012

What the heck is Christie doing?

Eleven P.M.

One A.M.

Obama Shoes

These are my Obama shoes. I was hoping to give them up after the Evil King was defeated. However, the voters of Ohio decided to put free stuff before freedom and condemned us to four more years of malaise. 

I'd rather pick out a new car than a pair of new shoes. These shoes do match my aesthetic perfectly. The problem is they are a little thin on the bottom. 

It seems that the more expensive the shoe, the worse they feel. Also, I wear 8 EEEE and this reduces my choices to about a couple of styles in a store with an inventory of five thousand shoes. Buying on-line is another disaster. I can order the same exact New Balance or Hush Puppies that I already own and have them not fit. I know some of you people with normal feet will say I just need to break them in. Well I have had a pair of L.L.Bean shoes for twenty two years and they still are uncomfortable. I wear them to work or church or any time I'm not going to be walking. These shoes are indestructible, maybe that's why they are so uncomfortable.

My best option is to go to Wally's and get a pair of cheap Dr. Scholl's athletic shoes. I go with black because, they are less conspicuous and don't scream CB. I avoid the Velcro straps that are so popular in the Day-Rooms of America. My eighteen inch shoe horn makes Velcro superfluous. Once you start wearing Velcro shoes it's easy to slip into wearing track suits with elastic waistbands.

Another problem I've developed, is that my left foot appears to be getting bigger than my right. It's not my bifocals, it's a genetic thing. My Mom by the time she was seventy wore a nine and a half shoe on her left foot and a size eight on her right one. The good news was that in a city of a million people she found a woman with the exact opposite condition and they became friends and shopped for shoes together. Luckily, they had the same aesthetic: clunky white shoes with Velcro straps. 

I'm not going to throw away my old barely broken-in New Balance sneakers pictured above. I'll wear them occasionally for nostalgia's sake. I'll be walking Bo singing that old Dionne Warwick tune to myself:
"If you see me walking down the street, skips on my feet, holes underneath,Walk-On-By"  
Well at least until 2016.

Batman Returns

 He Can Be A Farmer In These Clothes

 Our Youth Are Training For The Games

 Our Own Katness Evererdeen

 The Games Begin With Toddlers In The Hay Stack Maze

 Two Too Many Batmans

 Local Honeys

Halloween Festival In Brevard NC

Amber, Call Your Mother

Every time I drive into AVL I am delayed about ten minutes and have to avoid a dozen traffic accidents because of these dumb Amber Alert signs that are every few miles on I-26.

No matter what the sign says these brain dead NC drivers lay off the gas pedal and slow down. In heavy traffic that's all it takes to send tires squealing, semi-trucks changing lanes and drivers doing a collective WTH?? A hundred yards past the sign the road is wide open; no accident, no old man peeing, no flat tire, no kayak hanging off the car, no mom changing a diaper, etc.

I bet 99% of the Amber Alerts concern domestic disputes over custody or Little Johnny hiding in the shed. There are also Silver Alerts for when grandpa wanders off the porch or walks down the street to talk his favorite white squirrel.

Since we paid $300,000 for the sign we have to use it. It would look bad if it was only used once a decade for the true abduction, right?. The nanny-state has decided it can use this high tech post-it-note for all sorts of little "Hints From Heloise".

Last evening while driving into AVL the sign read "Share the road-Watch for motorcycles-Check your blind spot." It's hard to check your blind spot while you're watching the the flashing brake lights and blowing your horn because three cars decide the your lane is moving one mph faster and they cut you off. The array of dumb Non-Amber messages is endless: TURN ON WIPERS WHEN RAINING, MAINTAIN SAFE DISTANCES BETWEEN VEHICLES, SLOW TRAFFIC AHEAD, DRINK MORE OVALTINE, REMEMBER YOUR MOTHER ON MOTHER'S DAY, CLICK-IT-OR-TICKET.

Don't they realize the average NC driver didn't take an Evelyn Wood speed reading course? They have to take their cataract clouded eyes off the road for three seconds to read the useless message; and when they take their eyes off the road, they also take their foot off the gas.

In an attempt not to be negative, I must add that I was relieved that the traffic jam wasn't due to an accident, or a breakdown, or a semi tossing its load. I won't be stuck for an hour, I'll only be standing still for five minutes while everyone reads the sign that says "SLOW TRAFFIC AHEAD".

The Fun-Suckers and Do-Gooders are keeping us safe; one accident at a time.

AVL Weekend

Goombay Festival

Acrobats from Kenya and Tanzania

The "drunk-aunt"at the wedding dance!

Hillary Clinton Gets Freaky Dancing In Johannesburg

She better not try this lame dance Asheville!

Yep, it's Sister Hilliary getting down with her bad self!