Fear of Flying: Epilogue

We made it to our Phoenix connection where we found a psychotic gate attendant. Our flight was delayed because there weren't any flight attendants. The gate lady tries to get the mob's attention but the microphone doesn't work, even when she bangs it against the door jamb. She starts screaming at us, saying we have to get up and quickly get in our seats and get our stuff stowed. "Hurry, Hurry, Hurry!" I thought I was going to hear "mach schnell," and see the German guards with their dogs.

In Phoenix, we made our connection to Charlotte. We had seats on different side of the plane. However, the counter help in Vegas told us the person next to us shouldn't mind switching since they are both aisle seats. Of course CP and I are in different zones, so I have to load first. I told CP I'd look at the person across from her and then decide whether to ask her to change seats.

I see this 50-ish plump lady in the seat next to me, so I hesitate but then I ask her if she wouldn't mind sitting on the other side so I could sit with my wife. She paused and then, with a mild put-off look, said "OK." I failed to realize that she didn't just sit, she built a nest. She pulled two books and magazines out of the seat pocket, then got out her lumbar support, two bottles of water, a small cooler, blanket and cervical pillow and moves all this crap across the aisle to the seat I pointed to. In a little while, another passenger got on and told the flight that someone was in his seat. The attendant told the lady I moved that she was in the wrong seat and I'm trying to explain why she is there (because I'm a moron). Anyway, she had to move all her crap up one seat to CP's assigned seat. I am mortified. But then again, she got moved up to a bulkhead seat with plenty of leg room.

The in-flight movie was "August Rush," which was enough to cause air sickness. The Captain put on the seat belt sign and announced turbulence ahead for about 20 minutes. Well, in a bit I decided to use the lavatory before the movie ended since it didn't seem to be to rough.

I'm walking the whole length of the plane and was just getting to the back when the plane turns into a roller coaster. I'm being bounced around the bathroom like a Keno ball. I'm thinking, I can't stay in here forever, so I make my way back, grabbing every seat back, trying not land in someone's lap. Then, the captain came on the P.A. and announced, "Everyone, remain in your seats and if you have small children, make sure they are securely buckled in." I know the captain was really talking to the idiot in seat 10D.

If you ever fly on an AirBus 321 don't sit in rows 20 0r 21, as they are across from the potty. The girl next to CP was trying to make a connection to Hilton Head after she was bumped because her seat was broken. We got home about midnight. But I got back at US Air. I took three mussels that were left over from the clam-bake and left them under seat 10E.