WARNING: This Warning is Graphic.

Now that the nanny-state has decided to put graphic photos of lung cancer, tracheotomies, and ventilators on cigarette packs we can all relax. After forty years of state education Americans now need shock photos to permeate our thick skulls, because obviously we can't read a written warning or consider risk. I remember Black-Lung being displayed at Science Fairs when I was in school. I guess it kept me from working in a coal mine, but I still tried smoking. And I didn't quit because I was shocked at a young age by a charcoal sea-sponge. Now that most of the country is illiterate and has the critical thinking capacity of a gnat, I see endless possibilities for graphic warnings.


Warning: Obama now controls your thermostat.












Warning: May contain up to 15% ethanol.









Warning: Do not text while driving.












Warning: TSA security screening ahead.

















Warning: Fast food may contribute to childhood obesity.










Warning: Jogging may lead to cardiac arrhythmia.










Warning: Twitter can lead to unemployment.












Warning: Living in New York can lead to unemployment.










Warning: Staying at Comfort-Inn may lead to scratching.







Warning: Breaking a CFL light bulb may lead to Spring Cleaning.

Skype-Bo

Ben, when are you coming home? These guys are soo boring.

Bo

And If I Was An Oscar-Meyer Weiner Everyone Would Be In Love With Me

We need to keep New York around just for comic relief. I have made a few mistaken calls with my cell phone, but usually it's a picture of my seat belt buckle. In fact in the early days of cell phones I would usually make a few inadvertent calls a day. My children would affectionately refer to these dead calls and text photos of the Toyota's stick shift as "Dad's Ass Calls." One time I even dialed 911 while trying to retrieve a quarter at the drive-up window. However, it seems like the whole 4-G network has conspired to entrap one N.Y. congressman with the unfortunate name of Weiner.

The amazing thing is that although crooks, perverts, philanderers and reprobates have always existed, now they think they can just continue to hold public office once they're caught. Whatever happened to the honorable thing: commit "Sepaku", or at least resign and dedicate the next few years of your life to authentic public service. Today we are expected to accept a 4-G flasher (minus the raincoat) as representative of the people. What happened to the ho-hum affair with the secretary or night with a call-girl? Now we have to endure all this weird crap that would even make a Kennedy blush.

Weiner didn't care about his wife, his constituents, his party or the women he flashed. It was all about him saving his career. The same selfish, narcisistic ego that drives these elites prevents them from seeing the damage they cause. Whether it's John Edwards, Jimmy Swaggart or Bill Clinton, it's all about them.


When I worked in a small town in West Virginia there was a fellow who worked in a large national brand poultry plant. Now this guy was caught on camera having connubial relations with the turkeys. Unlike an elected official he was fired. The story was reported in the local paper (they printed his name and address) and the jokes came hot and heavy. Every trash can in town contained a turkey, and even some chickens were implicated by association. One day at work someone pointed the perp out to me. I thought to myself, how can this guy stay in this town of 2,000 people? Maybe he missed his calling, he should have run for the County Commission. Down here in S.C. we had a guy arrested twice for his relationship with his neighbor's horse. They didn't even have a law on the books to deal with it. I think it was plea-bargained down to animal cruelty. What can I say, after Bill Clinton the country lost all sense of shame.

Grill Baby Grill

We can argue about anything. Case in point, our cruddy old gas grill. The vaporizer bar which I replaced along with the burner assembly a year ago rusted and vaporized. Also, the universal cooking grate that I replaced for a second time is starting to rust away. Now the old grill looks like hell no matter how much I clean it, so I'm considering the cost of:
new burner $18
vaporizer bar $19
cooking grate $12
S&H $13
----
Total $62

For me that's a no brainer, order the parts. Especially since there is no sales tax. For CP however, buying a new one for $99 makes sense. Then I realize it would be good to have a second tank. It seems like it always runs out of gas when I'm cooking a steak. However, in the last six years the LP tank is no longer included with the grill. A full second tank costs $42 at Lowe's, so I'll have to shop around.

I went to Wally's and wasn't impressed with their Red Chinese gas grills. Especially since they were already getting rusty from being outside. So I went to Lowe's and got the clone of the Char-Broil cheapie we already have. I wasn't being a CB, I just don't need a four burner grill that can cook forty burgers and make two side dishes.

Well, I chopped up the old one after cannibalizing the good parts. Hopefully the new one will last more than five years. I keep it covered and we do use it all year round so I don't know what else I can do (short of using it in the house) to keep it from rusting. I hope our picky garbage man doesn't notice the heavy green bag shaped like a grill in our can.

In Maryland we had a couple of classic grills. I had to stake them to the ground because we lived on windy mountain top. Occasionally I would find it laying on the ground and the burgers in the grass. I also strategically placed it by the dryer exhaust to give my meat that that mellow Downy Fabric Softener taste. One of them was so rusted it collapsed when I threw a steak on it.


The new grill has this chain that is suppose to somehow attach to the tank. I'm not exactly how it is supposed to attach and what its purpose is, but I'm sure there is a lawyer involved somewhere. Hopefully it will last awhile. I do have a spare burner whenever that one rusts out. I should just baste my burgers with WD-40.

What is Bo going to do without a greasy grill to lick?

Here's Your Sign

One thing I noticed in Europe is that the roads aren't cluttered with ridiculous signs. I don't recall seeing any stop signs and perhaps a few yield signs and speed limit signs. Traffic lights are only on major thoroughfares. Everywhere traffic simply merges into roundabouts. The other thing is Italians know how to drive, they don't just drift around in a semi-comatose state with a cell phone in their ear and a burrito on their lap.

They tried a roundabout in Asheville , but it didn't work. People just stopped dead and spilled their Slurpies in their laps. I drove into Asheville yesterday and was amazed at all the traffic lights I had to stop for. Every little strip mall and retirement community had its own stop light. Are people too stupid to make a right turn after a stop? Or if traffic is heavy and they can't go left, does anyone have the cerebral capacity to turn right and then turn around or actually discover a different route? UPS did a study and found out that skipping left turns completely actually saves fuel.

Now we have signs that warn us of up-coming signs. What do you expect from a country of pre-diabetics, pre-hypertensives and pre-cancer neurotics?


There is a lot of money in signs and there is no limit to the stupidity that can be placed at our roadsides. Do they make us safer? No, they don't. They just overcome our senses and make us oblivious to the real hazards. While you're studying the No Parking Sign for the "pregnant senior citizens with peanut allergies" you may not see that Frito-Lay truck backing into you.

I just love sitting at a light for three minutes at 5 am waiting for the stop light for the post office to change. I just love sitting behind a school bus that can't for some reason make a right turn on red. Who thought that one up? No wonder we use so much fossil fuel, we are stopping at deserted intersections, having to slow down to 20 mph when some medicated blond pulls out in front of you and forgets where the gas pedal is while texting. Sometimes you have to go abroad to see what's wrong here. It's like the generation raised on "T-Ball" all got their drivers licenses in Asheville.

Some signs I would like to see:

DON'T STOP DEAD WHEN MERGING ON THE INTERSTATE.
MAKE LEFT TURNS INTO LEFT LANE AND RIGHT TURNS INTO RIGHT LANE.
DON'T ENTER AN INTERSECTION YOU CAN'T CLEAR.
IF YOU INSIST ON DRIVING LIKE MR. MAGOO STAY IN THE RIGHT LANE.
PUT THE CELL PHONE DOWN- YOU'RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT.
IF YOU CAN'T WORK THE T.V. REMOTE DON'T MAKE LEFT TURNS.
IF YOU CAN'T BUCKLE YOUR OWN SEATBELT, DON'T DRIVE.

Bird Dog

Bo always keeps us on our toes. Usually when he is quiet for a long time he's up to no good. Yesterday when he was in the yard in the heat for 10
minutes without barking to come in, I got suspicious. Carol goes to let him in and screams "he's got something in his mouth!" Well, he had a dead bird. It wasn't some little sparrow either. It was some young buzzard or something. Bo was in his glory, getting in touch with his feral self while we were trying to pry his mouth open and get the bird out. Of course his one inch long incisors wouldn't let go so we tried shaking him back and forth like a cocktail shaker. We then tried the old trick of throwing down a dog biscuit, but he wasn't going to let go of his bird for a piece of dry sawdust. Finally, we got it out of his mouth and picked it up guts and all. It was just the excitement we needed at 9 pm.

Fish Story

The fishing wasn't that great. It seemed like the fish had GERD, they kept spitting out the hooks. I did hook about a 2 lb small mouth bass but he got off after a 5 second fight. No trophies, just 4 small bass and a few bluegills. It was a great morning, surprisingly cool and very relaxing.

Great Movie

Sometimes you just need a Feel-Good movie, especially one about fashion and photography. This is a must see for Marianne.

No Respect

OK, let's make fun of the old guy.

I knew they were up to something when they borrowed my name badge. Another reason not to retire.