Saturday, October 20, 2012

Amber, Call Your Mother

Every time I drive into AVL I am delayed about ten minutes and have to avoid a dozen traffic accidents because of these dumb Amber Alert signs that are every few miles on I-26.

No matter what the sign says these brain dead NC drivers lay off the gas pedal and slow down. In heavy traffic that's all it takes to send tires squealing, semi-trucks changing lanes and drivers doing a collective WTH?? A hundred yards past the sign the road is wide open; no accident, no old man peeing, no flat tire, no kayak hanging off the car, no mom changing a diaper, etc.

I bet 99% of the Amber Alerts concern domestic disputes over custody or Little Johnny hiding in the shed. There are also Silver Alerts for when grandpa wanders off the porch or walks down the street to talk his favorite white squirrel.

Since we paid $300,000 for the sign we have to use it. It would look bad if it was only used once a decade for the true abduction, right?. The nanny-state has decided it can use this high tech post-it-note for all sorts of little "Hints From Heloise".

Last evening while driving into AVL the sign read "Share the road-Watch for motorcycles-Check your blind spot." It's hard to check your blind spot while you're watching the the flashing brake lights and blowing your horn because three cars decide the your lane is moving one mph faster and they cut you off. The array of dumb Non-Amber messages is endless: TURN ON WIPERS WHEN RAINING, MAINTAIN SAFE DISTANCES BETWEEN VEHICLES, SLOW TRAFFIC AHEAD, DRINK MORE OVALTINE, REMEMBER YOUR MOTHER ON MOTHER'S DAY, CLICK-IT-OR-TICKET.

Don't they realize the average NC driver didn't take an Evelyn Wood speed reading course? They have to take their cataract clouded eyes off the road for three seconds to read the useless message; and when they take their eyes off the road, they also take their foot off the gas.

In an attempt not to be negative, I must add that I was relieved that the traffic jam wasn't due to an accident, or a breakdown, or a semi tossing its load. I won't be stuck for an hour, I'll only be standing still for five minutes while everyone reads the sign that says "SLOW TRAFFIC AHEAD".

The Fun-Suckers and Do-Gooders are keeping us safe; one accident at a time.

1 comment:

D- said...

....and all that to say you DON'T live in NYS! Speaking of old man.... The last time I talked to a white squirrel was when it was in my sights about to receive a piece of lead in its head.