Thursday, October 09, 2008

Colon Cleanse Those Extra Pounds Away

Am I the only one to notice an increase in infomercials for colon cleansers? Perhaps this is related to the decrease in the DOW. Even my beloved History Channel interrupts its Nazis at 4 am to put on a Colon Cleanser half hour commercial. After ten minutes of this crap the "blab-it and grab-it" preachers seem interesting. Lately the late night lords of the high colonic are pitching this stuff as a weight loss miracle. You can lose 10 lbs. overnight by taking a mega-dump! (the plumbers must love this stuff). Now just in case your idea of a good time on a Friday night is crapping out an Anaconda and you believe this stuff is what you need to pep you up, I'll list the reasons why these clowns are F.O.S.:

Plain old fiber is your colon's best friend and it costs pennies a day.
Need to get that clean as a whistle feeling? Just down yourself a 99 cent bottle of citrate of magnesia. One caution however, if you're expecting company you may want to use something gentler like Mira-Lax.
That secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices contained in these fad products are all homeopathic nonsense.
The people featured in the testimonials are the same people who visit Roswell every year and sit at home with aluminum foil on their heads.
Having a two foot long, three inch wide stool is no way to lose weight. I tried it and I actually gained 3 ounces, not to mention you will probably be calling for an epidural.

So to all the anal retentives out there I say short of an implanted colonic pacemaker the best way keep that colon happy is to cut out the fat and increase the fiber.

If you feel you absolutely must cleanse that colon of all the toxins, heavy metals, mold spores, yeast, bacterias, and the rest of the crap that belongs in there, I recommend watching the evening news.


Aunt Dot said...

This is a beautifully choreographed post!

Elizabeth said...

Note to self:
Never read Babba's blog when I'm eating.

Marianne said...

this made me snort. It's disgusting and hilarious.

M- said...

"Everything You Never Wanted To Know"