"He Sure Does Like To Shop"

Yesterday I bit the bullet and went out and bought a new outfit for a wedding I have to attend in 4 weeks. My cousin who lives in Asheviile is getting married. Since they live 7 miles away and I don't take call anymore I'm out of excuses of why "I can't go".

With much trepidation I set out with my fashion consultant MP. We decided to hit Jos. A. Banks and the Men's Wearhouse. Jos. A. Banks was in Biltmore Village which is the Rodeo Drive of Asheville. I knew I was in over my head when I saw the prices. A sport coat was $495 and judging by the staff and other customers I saw I knew I was about to be fleeced. After suffering the humiliating comments, eg: "You wear your pants low", "We had a fellow in here earlier with your shape", "You need a 46 because of your big shoulders" etc. I was itching to leave. I was fortunate that they had only one jacket in 46 short. This was a blue blazer with big shiny gold buttons that made me look like Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island. All the while MP is getting exasperated because I'm running away from the salesman like some kind of caged animal. So after finding out I'm no longer 44, but a 46 that is shaped like gorilla we left and headed for Men's Wearhouse.

Originally I was just going to get a plaid madras sports coat on-line. I had one when I was 20. I did try one on in the store. It was then that I realized CP's third law of fashion was true. Her third law states " just because it looks good in the catalog doesn't mean it will look good on YOU".
I saw a more muted blue madras but even this made me look like I was wearing a spinnaker. I still fit into my beloved bright coat of many colors madras jacket when I met CP 26 years ago. She never really liked it and fondly referred to it as my "used car salesman outfit".

Arrived at Men's Wearhouse and immediately knew this was a safer environment. I took MP's advice and threw myself into the hands of the salesman. This tangerine-tinted replicant of Julio Ingleses took me in hand. I picked out a dark navy sportcoat and was pleased to find out I was still a 44. I must have lost some of my gorilla-ness on the drive across town. Then with complete abandon I followed his lead and got some charcoal grey pants. I got size 36 since I'm a low pants wearer and the 38's caused a major case of baggy butt. Then in a frenzy of buying we pressed on to the shirts and ties. I got a pink shirt and a sharp tie for just $75. I was going to get a second sport coat and maybe a belt, but I slammed on the brakes just as MP was getting warmed up. Somehow the $115 sport coat with accessories and alterations cost me $302. All that's left to purchase are the shoes, socks and belt. These I'll try to get at Wal-Mart. I'm afraid to have a complete high end outfit because I might break out in a rash. MP is adamant that I can't wear my cowboy belt with the 4 inch John Deere buckle. I'm just happy there will be an open bar at the wedding to relieve my anxiety over wearing "some other guy's clothes".

Babba

Carolina sunshine

We are in the middle of a drought. Our grass is turning crunchy. We usually have a couple rainy days a week, so there are no sprinkler systems. Memorial Day I started using the a/c in the evening and I'm now using my "Sun Shield" in my Element ( it comes with a cautionary sticker to remind me to remove it before I drive). I should cut a 3 inch hole on the drivers side and drive around like Grandpa Joe in a blizzard.

MP's fixator has a problem. The adjustment to set the "toe in" has seized up. The factory rep is coming tomorrow to see if he can fix it. I was told not to try WD-40 on it. We are hoping that it won't require a return trip to Atlanta. At least the lengthening part is still working so every day we add 2 mm to the length. Her disappointment was soothed by a another prescription for Percocet. I think we may have grounds for lawsuit. The company Orthofix is based in Italy. Probably the same company that brought us the Fiat 850 Spyder.

I have decided to join the i-Pod generation. Mainly caused by incessant borrowing of CP's i-Pod Shuffle. I like to listen to Pod-Casts of Mark Levin, Drudge, Christian Apologist Ravi Zacharias and "The Car Guys". That should leave me room for about 450 songs. So now I'll be like everyone else walking around with my ear pods in, talking to myself.

I went to see the latest Zombie movie 28 Weeks. It was pretty good but still was too heavy on the gore and too light on the plot. There was about 10 people in the theater for the matinée. Me and 9 other cheap people. On the subject of Zombies, two seasoned citizens come in about 10 minutes late (they were probably arguing with the cashier for a senior discount during a matinée) and with a whole empty theater in front of them, they proceeded to sit right in front of another couple. What's up with that? One time this bunch of seniors came in and one of them sat completely down on CP's lap. We went to the cheapee dollar theatre last weekend. We all walk in and when the door closes it was as dark as a coal mine. We are fumbling around like four blind mice while CP is searching around for a flashlight in her purse. CP is yelling at me not to move into an aisle because I'll step on somebody. When she finally got her flashlight on the theater was empty. I haven't been anyplace that dark since I went inside Hoover Dam.

Babba

Napolean, give me some of your tots!

I was vacuuming out Ben's pimped-out ride . Under the front driver's seat I abruptly lost suction. Thinking I may have caught a candy wrapper or underwear I withdrew my wand and out came this tater tot. It was well preserved and the crunchiest tot I ever ate. I felt it must have been there at least 2 months. This is yet another reason to dump your tots on the floor while you're making those long trips to Dixie. If you are caught in a freak Easter blizzard these tots can sustain you. On the passenger side of the car (MP's side) I recovered a bobby pin' a Blow-Pop and a dried out eye-liner. There was none of the telltale glitter that pervades her Subaru. I also finally cleaned up the latte that was spilled on the seat a few years ago. The Subaru returns home next week. I'll have to rent a haz-mat suit for that job.

Babba

The People's Car

My Honda Element continues to amaze me. I had to adjust the parking break. So I looked underneath and couldn't see any cable dangling down. I thought I might have to have Honda do it but then I decided to pop off the plastic center console. Voila, there inside the car was the adjustment. It was dry, clean and not rusted. With all my other cars I would grease the adjuster and cable every 6 months to try to stave off the eventual corroded frozen brake cable. This is what makes Japanese cars great.

The "Car Guys" Click and Clack the Tappet Brothers gave it a great review.

It was suppose to be a youth vehicle but I think it has really clicked with the seasoned citizens down here. It does have a few minuses: road noise, engine noise and it gets buffeted by the wind. My 5 speed does have enough torque-steer to spill your coffee, but you get used to it. It's not as much fun to drive as the V.W. Super-Beetle we had but it's not being flat-bedded back to the dealership every month. I called it "FARFROMOVIN". With the price of unleaded regular nearing three bucks a gallon, I'm glad it's not a Grand Marquis.

Mamma Don't Let Your Hippies Grow Up To Have Cataracts

This week I was getting ready to block 24 cataract extractions scheduled for a rainy Wednesday morning. One of the staff asked me what music I would like to have playing in the background. We usually put on some classical or an easy listening CD that one of the nurses ordered off the Oxygen network. It sets the mood in the hold area where the senior citizens are sedated while the local anesthetic is injected behind their eye prior to surgery. Being the smart-ass that I am I requested "In A Gadda Da Vida" by Iron Butterfly. I was stunned when my 68 year old cataract patient opened her eyes and said "That is one of my favorite songs, especially the 17 minute version with the long drum solo." It's cataract time for old hippies. Perhaps we stared too long into our Lava Lamps. The DJ's loved to play the 17 minute version because it was the only way they got a decent break. Rumor has it that the the original lyrics where suppose to be "In The Garden Of Eden" but the group was stoned and it came out "In A Gadda Da Vida".

Before the lyrics for every song ever written was available on-line, my friends and I spent hours trying to decipher the words of such classics as "The Theme From The Good The Bad And The Ugly" by Hugo Montenegro. For a few hours we repeated the song which really consists of a great musical score highlighted by a series of burps and grunts. But after playing it slow, then backwards we came to the consensus that the main lyric was the phrase "don't want no grapefruit". Even today no one can convince me any different. Rock on, Granny. With your new intra-ocular lens giving you 20/20 vision you can throw your granny glasses away and drive around all day with your turn signal on.

Knappy Headed Bo

DAMN YOU IMUS!!!!!!!!

Back To The Daily Grind

After a wild n crazy Easter it's back to the daily grind.

Babba