Saturday, September 24, 2011

The More Things Stay The Same

Nebraska Educators Issue Grinding Alert In Advance Of High School Homecoming Dance | The Smoking Gun

I can't imagine why anyone would bring a grinder to a dance. Perhaps, they are afraid of the sparks causing a fire.

Oh, you mean the other grinding, that chance to grope a girl you never met? Oh, the torture of dancing all those fast songs for that chance to catch a slowie with that special person (by special I mean having the XX chromosome). The usual ratio was five fast songs to one grinder. Unfortunately, one could not count on this and sometimes one missed the train completely by going to the bathroom. There was a group of bottom-feeders that only danced the slow songs; they hid in the shadows like U-Boats waiting for a convoy. The bonus-play was the fast song that morphed to a grinder. There the hunter had the advantage of still having direct contact with his prey. Some girls were able to escape this trap by bolting away like a herd of gazelles.

The enemy of the grinder was the K-of-C ushers at the Catholic School dances. They wouldn't give you a warning, they would pick you up by the arms and hurl you out into the alley with the rest of the trash. They didn't tolerate any torso-to torso contact. The rules were one hand three inches above the waist, other hand held high up in the air with palm facing backwards and at least two inches of free air between you and the girl. If you lost your head and actually touched, an usher would come running over and place his hand between you and whisper in your ear "leave room for the Holy Ghost." This warning would immediately cause the young man to lurch back like he touched a spark plug.

Somehow, even with all these impediments one occasionally walked a girl home, got her phone number and never called her. It's good to see that traditional values are making a come back.


goober said...

Uh, Babba, small potatoes here, but grinding is usually exclusive to the uptempo electronic dance/club songs. Slow songs are for groping during the white-boy-shuffle.

Babba Gi said...

That sounds more like buffing than grinding.

Marianne said...

now I want to read Ben's infamous essay on high school dances!